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CM Punk

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Cmpunk

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

Debuted in 2006 as a midcarder. Became a main-eventer. Failed. Now a midcarder again.

Possesses tattoos that look even shittier than his Diving Elbow Drop.

Left ROH in 2005 and looked like a total schmuck while doing so, by drinking Pepsi out of a wine glass.

Stole WWE Diva Maria from Bryan. Pictures of said relationship were posted on THE BOARD on Xmas Eve 2005, now known as the Christmas Eve Massacre. Bryan has not been the same since, despite lusting after Rachelle Leah, Kristal Marshall and Mickie James' pants. Was once ECW world champion of the world, which is still like being BERRIED, but you get a nice belt to lift your pants up when you get well. He is the leader of the drug free generation.

Won Money in the Bank in 2008, only to be BERRIED the next night by Chris Jericho. Has since been humbled by The Miz, William Regal, CHUCK FUCKING PALUMBO, and Matt Hardy. Was inducted into the 2007 BERRIED Hall of Fame, along with Chris Benoit. He then dumped Maria, leading towards 4 months of hilarious CM Punk gossip not being covered in the newsletter. Punk is currently being BERRIED~!, teaming with da Ganjaman Kofi.

He's straight edge and therefore "boring"? He modeled his gimmick after CHIKARA wrestler CP MUNK and allegedly is friends with Bix.

On June 30th, 2008 CM Punk became WWE's WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION after cashing in his MITB Briefcase, losing it shortly thereafter to Chris Jericho, after being sneakily attacked by Randy Orton.

Won Money in the Bank 2009, only to be BERRIED again~!

Won world title at extreme rules in the most cowardly of ways, by attacking superover babyface. He then did the same thing one year later to Jeff Hardy.

Said awesome promo in 2011 ONCE. Now he can say ANYTHING and IWC calls it awesome even when it's not.

Despite allegedly bringing back trillions of fans to the business, RAW ratings never improved during his push.

Changed cool theme for not-as-good indy theme.

Is like Shawn Michaels whining and complaining, NOT STONE COLD.

Killed Chris Benoit in 2007. 

Stole AJ from WWE. 

On the night of TLC 2013, Punk was seen hyperventilating and crying about having to make Roman Reigns "look strong" in a three on one handicap match that he won cleanly. He later did what he does best and bitched and moaned about the match he won to the delight of basement dwelling smarks on the internet.  

Criticized WWE for using part timers, who took spots from wrestlers who deserved it. Got handed a UFC career on a platter despite having no fighting experience, whatsoever.  

Constantly bitched about not maineventing Wrestlemania over John Cena and the Rock despite the fact that the wrestlers in question were bigger draws than he ever was.  

Wakes up in the morning and smiles at how douchy his goatee is.  

After running away from the WWE like the self-obsessed little bitch that he is, went to UFC to try and show what a legitimate tough guy he really is. Instead he got beaten in the first round by a nobody, proving that Punk was always just a load of hot air and bullshit all along.

Bad attitude may be contributed to having to lug around a bunch of fans whose lips are super glued to his ass all day.

Has been known to have severe allergic reactions to humility and trust.

Used to be friends with Hornswoggle until he ended their friendship when the little bastard asked him for a phone number. According to Dave Meltzer, this resulted in Vince firing his sorry ass for being mean to his illegitimate midget child.

Mutton Chops have been known to make CM Punk weaker, as he managed to somehow have a bad match with Seth Rollins while possessing them. Basically, his arms were too short to box with God.

Had plastic surgery done to his face in 1999 in order to ensure he wears a smug, punchable grin at all hours of the day.

Had a video of his ass uploaded to the internet once.

Loves to hear himself talk. Get's really angry when he's silenced.

Whatever you do, don't knock over his diet soda.

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